Poema by Anne

Today I asked for mercy for an undeserving heart. I have no trouble asking for mercy, but sometimes I don't know how to open my heart to receive it.
It all comes down to a lack of trust.
While I've made mistakes (the same frustrating mistakes over & over), I don't seem to trust that He Does what he Says He'll Do: Forgive.
On paper, I know my God forgives, seventy times seven and thousands time more than that.
On paper, I see the words of a God who says that he is slow to anger and abounding in love.
On paper, the Red Letters tell us that forgiveness brings restoration and that God accepts His wayward children.
I am a church girl; I know what the Words say.
I am also a skeptical girl, and while I believe those Words I also doubt them in the deep, dark corners of my heart.
I know, but I unconsciously doubt.
How could a church girl like me doubt? I know God; I know He is Who He says He is; I know He does what He says He'll do; I believe, but I also need help with my unbelief.
My doubts could stem from a great many things:
Maybe I am too worried what people think about me. I am too worried that people won't forgive me or look at me in the same way because of mistakes I have made. These thoughts parch a dehydrated heart-- Dehydrated because it's refused to trust that an Ocean of Grace is ready to engulf and drown its misgivings, its doubts, its sorrows, its shallowness, its worries, its timidity, its arrogance, its low expectations, its fear. Dehydrated because it's tried to beat on its own, driven by praise and perfection. Dehydrated because it feared failure to the point of paralysis.
Dehydrated simply because it did not ask for water, or when it did ask for water, it did not open its mouth to drink.
While we are often told to forgive others, it's important to remember to allow yourself to be forgiven-- guilt too easily entangles and languishes the body. I think I'm going to try and allow God's nourishing peace to reign instead.